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The Misunderstood Truth About Conflict Resolution

conflict

We spend too much time trying to convince people that we are right and not enough time just caring for the people we are talking to.

No one cares if you were right or wrong.

No one cares if you were accurate or inaccurate.

No one cares if you did say that specifically verbatim or you didn’t.

Because as Maya Angelou so eloquently articulated, “people don’t remember what you said, all they remember is how you made them feel.”

So it doesn’t really matter if you did someone wrong or you didn’t – if they feel like you did then you did.

It doesn’t really matter if you lied or didn’t – if someone feels like you were dishonest then you were.

It doesn’t really matter if you were mean or you weren’t – if they feel like you disrespected them then you did.

We spend too much time splitting hairs over the actual semantics that were used or the specific minute details of what happened – and none of it matters.

What matters is how you make people feel.

Do you make them feel cared for?

Do you make them feel appreciated?

Do you make them feel loved?

Do you make them feel heard?

Do you make them feel sincerely apologized to?

Or do you make people feel manipulated?

Do you make people feel intimidated?

Do you make people feel unimportant?

Do you make people feel like they’re the one who is always wrong?

And although you can’t ultimately control other people’s feelings, it’s still a worthwhile use of your intention to focus on for two reasons:

 1. It helps you focus on what is productive with others and it keeps you from being distracted with the trivial details of disputes

2. It causes you to do the right things

Why?

Because there is only one sustainable way to make people feel a certain way…

It is to actually feel that way about them!

People have an uncanny sense of distinguishing between how someone says they feel and how they really feel.

Which means you have to do the work of actually caring for them.

You have to do the work of actually looking after them.

You have to do the work of actually loving them.

And that is often difficult, disciplined, but worthwhile work.

It’s difficult and it requires discipline because it requires us to get outside of ourselves.

It requires us to let go of what we want, our need to feel validated, and our desire to be proven right.

And we instead trade that in for a chance to serve.

A chance to listen.

And a chance to look after someone else.

So the question is not about what you did or didn’t do.

The only question that matters is “how did you leave them feeling?”

Why People Leave and Employee Loyalty with Scott Love – Episode 164 of The Action Catalyst Podcast

employee loyalty

Scott Love is a credentialed expert on the topic of employee loyalty with over two decades of high-level headhunting experience. With empirical research based on tens of thousands of conversations with professionals, he gives managers the secrets to keeping high performers, and keeping them happy.  As a former Navy leadership trainer and Annapolis graduate, he gives managers ideas on how to increase employee retention, boost morale and performance, and attract high achievers. 

Scott is a published author with his newest book, Why They Follow: How to Lead with Positive Influence, a business writer, a professional keynote speaker, and has been quoted in the Wall Street Journal, Selling Power Magazine, and dozens of business trade journals and newspapers around the globe. 

As a leadership trainer when serving as a naval officer, he trained thousands of officers, senior enlisted and civil service workers on progressive leadership concepts.  Scott currently recruits partner-level attorneys for international law firms.  He is a graduate of the United States Naval Academy and lives in Washington, DC. He is a watercolor artist, an amateur stand-up comedian, and is married with two children, one hamster, and one invisible dog.

Show Highlights

  • When people leave it is always for emotional reasons. @scottlove
  • Employees need recognition for what they do. @scottlove
  • The key is for managers to lead in a way that their employee connects meaning to work. @scottlove
  • The way to keep your employees is by connecting global corporate vision to each individual on the team. @scottlove
  • As a manager, my job is to help you do as well as you can here and give you tools so that if and when you leave it is going to improve your career. @scottlove
  • Sometimes the best thing you can do is give people space. @scottlove
  • As long as you have the right people in place they will accomplish the mission. @scottlove
  • People don’t leave companies, people leave people. @rory_vaden
  • There is not a shortage of good candidates, they’re just busy working. @scottlove
  • A lot of times we put too much emphasis on just pay. @rory_vaden
  • Meaning comes from the service we provide to people around us. @rory_vaden
  • Vision is not academic that checks boxes it is emotional statement that creates pictures in the minds of people. @rory_vaden
  • What is a company other than a collection of people? @rory_vaden
  •  If you have the ability to move people emotionally you have the ability to be a great leader. @rory_vaden
  • Great leadership is about moving people emotionally. @rory_vaden

To connect with Scott, get your copy of Why They Follow: How to Lead with Positive Influence and more on employee loyalty visit: scottlove.com

The Action Catalyst is a weekly podcast hosted by Rory Vaden of Southwestern Consulting every Wednesday. The show is regularly in the Top 25 of Business News Podcasts, has listeners from all around the world and shares “insights and inspiration to help you take action.” Each week Rory shares ideas on how to increase your self-discipline and make better use of your time to help you achieve your goals in life. He also interviews special expert guests and thought leaders. Subscribe on iTunes and please leave a rating and review!